Learning to Breathe Again

I am an anxious person. Anxiety.. Worrying.. Being overly fearful is in my dna..I can come up with a worst case scenario in 2.5 seconds flat. I wish I wasn't like this.. I make various attempts at correcting or lessening it. Then a little less than 2 years ago I get a phone call that tells me one of the worst case scenarios floating around in my head is a reality. And then just like that anxiety overwhelms. 

I got the call about my brother in the middle of the night.. It's all a series of moments that will forever be ingrained in my memory. At that moment it felt like I took a breath.. I inhaled in and did not breathe out.  Life since then has felt like I'm holding my breath just waiting .. Waiting for what? I don't know.. I don't want to know and try my hardest to not let my imagination run with it. But here.. 22 months after the sudden passing of my 24 year old brother I am committed to learning how to breathe again. 

I need to exhale. It's something that I know he would want and something that I know I need to do for myself .. And my sons.. And my family... No I don't have the immediate answers to dealing with anxiety  or the magic solutions to dealing with grief.. And it's not to say that I'm not going to struggle.. But I'm learning to appreciate.. To slow down while still experiencing.. And to just go with it.

So when I post pictures of the little moments.. The everyday.. The mundane.. It's me slowing down and focusing.. When I zone out in the middle of one of my excercise classes its me appreciating my working body and attempting to take care of it. When I take time to read.. Write.. Or have a beer it's me learning how to breathe and enjoy the things that make me happy. To some of you it may sound like common sense .. Or it may sound like things you already do. But for me it's all a big deal. You see when my brother passed .. A part of me went with him .. I forgot to breathe.. And so here I am .. Trying to navigate life.. Raise my sons.. And trying to learn how to breathe again ..