Hard days

I have had a rough couple of days..See a month- almost two actually- into this nightmare of losing my brother, I thought things would get better. I thought all my positive affirmations I was telling myself, all of my praying.. and all of my keeping myself busy would help. Most days it does. But some days.. some days it is just too hard.

All around me time is going by. My boys are busy, getting bigger, learning and growing. All of this of course- a good thing.  The seasons are changing. The days and nights are speeding by. Football has started along with the emotional toll of being a Cowboys fan. Store displays have been changed out and now have fall, halloween, and gasp- even Christmas displays out. And of course pumpkin spice lattes are now available. So many of my favorite things. But all of these things are taking place without him. The world is spinning- life is going on and here I (and my family) are standing still with broken hearts not sure where to go or what to do.

I don't mean to sound all woe is me.. I know many people experience loss in their life.. go through unimaginable things.. and obviously we aren't the only ones going through something like this. I of course know that despite losing him I still have many blessing in my life. My husband and children of course are some the best and biggest blessings of all. But its hard... I was only four years old when my brother was born...I don't remember a life without him. I don't how to navigate daily knowing that this is not just a nightmare I will wake up from- it is real and painful. I don't get to hear his voice or laugh anymore...who do I call and talk about all the fall shows that are going to start... we were anxiously awaiting what is going to happen on Revenge and Grey's. Who is going to make the chili on Thanksgiving and make us laugh as we tease each other about who was going to go for round two of food first...

So while yes I still hold onto my faith...tell myself my positive thoughts to focus on and attempt to enjoy my lil family to the fullest.. i still have hard days... days where its just so difficult and painful...

Joseph- I miss you terribly..I feel like I have so much to tell you..but I know you already know. So just I miss you. 

I heard this song yesterday... "losing them wouldn't be hard...if heaven wasn't so far away"