Exist vs live

I was looking through old blog posts from the last few years. I was mainly doing it in an attempt to look at comparisons of the toddler when he was the age that the baby is now. I read through old posts..old documentation of our lives and old thoughts from the heart. Besides being saddened by the toddler baby posts because now he is this big boy, I was saddened by something else. I sounded so much happier and carefree before. Even though my little family makes my heart soar I realized that over the past few years..circumstances have hardened my heart.

This factor was confirmed when within this past week a few friends on my facebook feed posted about Christmas being two months away... Normally I am super excited about this time of year yet when I read that my first reaction was to think oh no... I am not looking forward to the holidays...the idea of celebrating the holidays without my brother makes my stomach churn...

While I recognize that it is perfectly normal, especially in the first year of losing someone you love to have a difficult time, I need to make a better effort. I cannot let my soul be hardened by his passing. Even though it hurts.. some days more than others, I need to remember that I am still here. I am still a mom and a wife and have so much to enjoy, to celebrate, and to be thankful for. My brother would have wanted that, I am sure of it.

When it comes to the holidays, I have to remember that I have two little beings that don't understand what has happened. They don't know that mama's heart is broken. They still get up excited for each day. They still see the Christmas things in the stores and get excited. The toddler is super excited for Halloween and asks everyday if its Halloween yet. Now if you have read my previous posts about all of our October happenings you must think well it sure looks like you have been keeping busy with the boys. Yes our schedule has been full of seasonal activities but the problem with that? I haven't enjoyed them myself. I go through the motions of everything for the boys and make sure they are having fun but I haven't been focused enough in my grief to let myself enjoy them too. I need to change that.


I need to let my heart be happy. Do things that our good for my soul. I need to enjoy everything that is awesome about these coming months. I'll hear my brother's voice while doing crafts and decorating for the season because I know he would be there to sarcastically call me "suzy homemaker". I will smile when I do my holiday baking because he used to tease my mom saying that I make better chocolate chip cookies than her. (which is not true he just liked giving her a hard time)  While yes I will miss my brother in everything I do, I need to do more than exist.. I need to live.