A Full Yet Heavy Heart

As we sit here the weekend ..a few days after Christmas, I have a full heart while also having a heavy heart. Christmas was beautiful. We had a small celebration with my little family. Gifts we perfect, everyone was so generous to us. Food was great and spirits were up. That is why my heart is full. Christmas is just a whole different experience when you have children. You get to see and experience the magic on a different level. We attended mass that included a beautiful children's choir and children's pageant. The toddler was very into it and was asking questions about the story of Jesus. So cute! We had awesome food and treats and wine. The weather even cooperated and wasn't too warm. It was simply lovely..

And now here we are cleaning up the masses of new toys, discarded wrapping paper, and attempting to corral the Christmas decor to put away. I am so very thankful for my little family and the beautiful Christmas we had but my heart hurts when it comes to my brother. Back when this first happened, I couldn't comprehend how to get through each day, yet here we are five months later... we have "survived" losing him and have learned to get through each day.. but the idea of celebrating Christmas without him... the idea of starting a new year without him? It seems so scary and sad. Every Christmas, he would be the most difficult person to shop for simply because he was a tad picky and well,  had everything. It used to stress me out.. Oh what I would have given for that stress this year.With the thought of celebrating without him or any other time I get overwhelmed with missing him, I sit back and remember a funny memory of him. I sit back and ask myself- what would he say or do or think right now.. and it helps me get through.. You see my faith allows me to believe that I will see him again. I want to make him proud when I do see him again so I keep going. I make an extra conscience effort to life my life fully. I do everything possible to make sure I enjoy my beautiful family that I have been blessed with. Do I fail at this at times? Of course. But I keep going... With our loss of him this year..it is as though I have a new found strength... I like to think it is because of him.

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2010

So I sit here savoring the last few days of Christmas tree smell in my house. I reflect not only on these past few days of Christmas memories but the ones I have of my brother too... I am admittedly scared to go into a new year without him but I know he will help us keep going. I pray for anyone that experienced loss, loneliness, suffering, or heartbreak over this holiday season and that you may find peace in the new year. And if I may ask...say a prayer for me too...