Fiesta and Hurting

So here in this city that we live in, there is a huge event called Fiesta. It is weeks long and consists of different events and festivals and carnivals all of the city. Some schools even give days off like it is a holiday. There is a particular event at one of the colleges here that is a pretty big deal. It is held at the college my brother attended. For the past 6 years we have attended this event. There is live bands, music, food booths, activities, etc. My brother was very involved in his school life there and was part of a fraternity that ran some of the booths. The first few years that we went he was even the one that got us in. I have pictures of past years and have countless memories of him there. This will be the first year that we will not attend. Not because we have something else to do... not because of the expense... simply because it will be too hard for me.

For the most part, I think I have done pretty well in my grief. I have tried to make peace with what has happened. I have tried different coping mechanisms to get through the missing him part and most days I fare pretty well. This is something though that I just don't think that I can handle.

Oyster Bake 2012

Whenever we saw him while he lived here we mostly saw him in this school setting. He was this social butterfly that made so many friends... some of these friends now practically considered family. He was in this element where he just shined. He was so happy with what he was doing, the life he was living, the people that surrounded him. I have such distinct memories of him especially at this event...smiling, having a good time, surrounded by his family away from home. Last year while we were there my Dad did something kind of embarrassing but hilarious and my brother walked away like if he didn't know us but then we laughed and laughed about it afterwards. I don't think I can pass by that particular booth where it happened without breaking down.. It is too much of a heartbreaking reminder to me to be somewhere that he should be.. and wont be.

I don't know exactly where I am going with all of this... I just need to share that even though sometimes I make it seem like I am sailing through my grief or handling it pretty well, there are some instances that it is still too fresh...to raw.. So this Fiesta... I ask for prayers and positive thoughts. I will put up my Fiesta wreath and maybe celebrate in some other way but my heart is simply not ready for this particular event...

Nonetheless, I wish everyone a Happy Fiesta. Have fun, be safe.

---Missing you lots---