A Tale of Two Feelings

We are in full swing of Christmas happenings over here. Fully decorated inside and out. Christmas cards sent and Santa was paid a visit. I've seen a few people make comments about how the holidays are so different once you are a parent and experience them through your child's eyes. I couldn't agree more. I love all the activities and traditions we have as a family and it boggles my mind that we are now a family of five. While immersing myself in all things Christmas, my heart pulls with thoughts of my brother.

Last Christmas I think losing him was still so new and fresh it was different somehow. This year I struggle with a different set of feelings. I'm angry that he's not here. Angry that my third son won't meet him and my second won't remember. I'm angry that I don't have to stress my self out with what to get him for Christmas. He was always the hardest to shop for because for one he was picky and for another he had everything! I'm angry...

I'm angry that I'm deathly afraid of losing my phone because I still have saved text messages from him on there. I'm angry that he's not here to complain about the hot texas weather in December with me. I'm angry that I will be brought to tears in the aisles of target, the checkout line at mama margies, or simply in my own home with thoughts or memories of him because it's wherever I go...

Counting down the days in December to such a magical holiday is so very awesome with children in the house. I am beyond blessed to be able to add an additional stocking to our mantel this year with the birth of our third baby boy. I am beyond blessed that my little family and I are here and healthy and will have gifts to open on Christmas. 

But it is such a strange feeling... To have a full grateful heart that is also partially broken from missing someone so fiercely. It is such a tug between two very different feelings. It is a daily struggle being pulled between the two. So while yes Christmas is so very different once you have children.. It is also so very different once you lose a loved one, a sibling that was supposed to be a part of your Christmases for many years to come. 

So this Christmas enjoy it all.. Enjoy all the little things about the season as well as the big things... Hug your loved ones tight. And pray for those that are hurting...