Grief Does What it Wants

There are two newer radio stations in my area that play songs from back in the day. And back in the day I mean like from the 90s. I love the stations but it boggles my mind that these songs are considered old school. Anyways.. I have always found it amazing how a song has the power to take you back in time to a particular moment in your life. That's always how it's been for me but even more so now since I've lost my brother. I hear a song from back then and all I think is.. He was here when this song was big. He was such and such age ..or whatever it may be.. But most importantly I think .. He was alive back then. 

I've read several times various things that say grief is like an ocean of waves. And it is. There are some days where tide is low ... Things are calm. You can feel the grief because it's there. Even on low tide days you can still hear the waves...still feel the water in the air..still taste the salt. But you can manage. Then there are the high tide days... Days where it's just too powerful. Waves overwhelm you and if you aren't careful they can over take you... Days where it's much too easy to drown... And just like the ocean.. You can't control it. Grief does what it wants. 

There are some days where it still doesn't feel real. There are some days that don't go the way I need them to and all I can do is become consumed with the fact that he's not here. It is a very hard concept to operate everyday with the highs of my little family. The high of feeling so blessed with my little family .. My little dudes that bring me so much joy.. While still feeling incomplete.. And heartbroken ... 

I have been tracking time since it happened. First it was a month.. 6 months... A year.. And now.. I find that there is no need to keep track.. Because time hasn't really done anything for me. What has happened with time is that over time the shock has worn off... But I don't know what's worse.. Being in shock and hurting.. Or having the shock replaced by a heavy finality of having to accept a new normal that was forced upon you. 

I wonder what the future holds all the time.. For me.. My kids ..  My family.. I look forward to many things.. Exciting things.. But a future without him in it carries a deep ache that on some days is too much...

Thank you for your continued prayers..