It took me days to put away our Christmas decor. I admit I probably have more decor than I need and while I love taking it all out it takes forever to put away. This is the case every year but this year it just seemed like the holiday season flew by. It was summer for which seemed like forever and then pumpkins, turkey, and Santa showed up all at once.
Then in the middle of my cleaning and organizing I found myself putting away a huge pile of too small baby clothes. With previous children I was okay going through sizes and packing them away because I knew I'd be taking them out again since we knew we would be expanding our family more. But now we aren't sure of our future plans and I could be packing away these clothes for the last time. Time warp I'm telling you.. It feels like I was just pregnant.
Speaking of growing kids.. I watched my four year old walk down the aisle in our friend's wedding this past weekend as the ring bearer. I still remember when he first graced us with his presence and bringing him home from the hospital. And here he was wearing a mini tuxedo with shoes that in his words "tapped on their own" hanging with the rest of the wedding party like some big kid.
Then yesterday at the park.. My fearless two year old was determined to climb the highest spiral slide at the park.. Wasn't he just some waddling toddler with a toothless grin that needed me to help him climb?
Then there is the whole time aspect to losing my brother. It is an evil thing..time as it pertains to grief. I want time to pass so maybe losing him doesn't feel so utterly heartbreaking... Time although not completely is supposed to help heal. But as time passes I am so very afraid that with time people are going to forget. The memories they have of him aren't going to be as clear. Or that he will become that guy that they knew that passed away too soon instead of this special person that impacted so many lives. Sometimes I close my eyes and relive a memory and go through the details of what he was wearing .. The weather, the smells, the time of day, the sound of his voice. And I want to write every detail down because I am so very afraid of forgetting even the minute detail of any memory including him.
Then there is the whole concept of getting older in general. I have read a quote several times over since losing my brother... "Don't be afraid of getting older.. It's a privilege denied to many.." So yes I am grateful for each birthday, each year. I get to watch my sons grow and have more time time with my husband. But the getting older part.. Getting used to my body as I age. I can't function on minimal sleep like I used to. Having more than maybe two drinks at a time and recovery is like I partied all night. Maintaining my weight and fitness takes so much more effort than it used to. And gray hair? I've spotted one already!
See time warp all around. I just have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about any of it. I have to take it in stride and be grateful for each day. But it weighs on me and it can be a scary thing. Some days the days are too long and bed time seems so far away while others there are not enough hours to get it all done. But days.. Whether too long.. Or too short.. Good or bad.. Are a blessing.. That is where my focus needs to be.
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