Working on Me

At the beginning of the year I talked about wanting to work on myself so to speak instead of naming a specific resolution for the year. I was feeling lost and out of sorts. Part of me is always going to feel like that because without my brother there will always be a hole ..an unevenness to my life. But I was speaking of everything else. I sometimes feel like i am lost without an identity. 

A big part of this is because I am a stay at home mom. I throw myself into that role happily and proudly but sometimes forget about myself as a separate person. I wasn't doing little things for myself. I was feeling guilty for trying to fit in workouts or nights out with friends or date nights with my husband. I didn't make the time to do little things like hobbies or things that make me happy or challenge my mind. I was feeling off trying to handle my grief as well. So I wanted to work on these things to make me feel more like a person.. And this is my progress a few months into the year...

First off there is the letting go of the guilt thing. I need to constantly remind myself to let go of the guilt when it comes to spending time away from my sons. So I've been making a better effort to get out with friends for a few hours.. So far this year I've done some dinners with other mom friends, bowling, painting and drinks. Ive had a few date nights with the hubby. One night we went to a bar and played pool like we did so often before kids. It was wonderful. I have also encouraged my husband to take some more guys night out as well to give him some mental breaks too.

I've read. This was a big goal of mine because reading is one of my favorite things to do. I need to make time for it. I started the year off pretty well speeding through two books in the first month. Since then I've only read half of a book. So I'm failing there big time. I am also failing at the working out. I will have very good weeks and then not so much. I obviously need to be working out for the physical health aspect but for myself working out is a big mental stress reliever as well. 

I also need to let myself grieve more. I will probably talk more about this at a later time but sometimes I block out my feelings when I'm hurting and just redirect myself. I need to figure out how to fix this because it should be ok and normal to hurt and deal with whatever it is I feel at the moment when it comes to my brother. It is ok to cry.. Or be mad.. Or even scared.

I know the season I'm in right now is temporary where I have so many needs to meet with all my littles. I don't want to wish time away so I do try to enjoy my chaos as much as possible but I need to take care of myself too... I'm working on it and hopefully I will have more to update in six months. Remember momma needs to be happy and healthy too...