Fear

I have always been an anxious person. Little fears and worries creep into my mind and try to plant seeds there. Some of the seeds take root and grow exponentially while others linger for awhile and move on. It has gotten worse since I've become a mother. Now these little people are in my care and walk around with little pieces of my heart so these seeds of fear and worry have multiplied. They also understandably got worse once my brother passed away. Once you lose someone that you love, you become terrified of having to go through that same heartache with another loved one. 

I realize that some people are just built that way and deal with being a worrier all of their life. I have accepted that I was given the genetics for this and it will be something I will always deal with. With that being said, just because I accept that fact doesn't mean I want to live my life held hostage by it. Normally I would spin it with the whole life it too short speech but what has really gotten my attention are my sons. My oldest seems to have tendencies of being a worrier and hesitates many times because of it. Whether he has the genetics for it or I somehow turned him into that I don't want my fears and worries to prevent him/them from doing..living..experiencing because of a fear. 

When I talk about fears, I'm not talking about jumping out of an airplane to face your fears. I'm talking about fears that prevent you from living a normal everyday life. I have certain fears in social situations for example where I am quiet and hold back somewhat which has caused people to think that I am either rude or unfriendly. Things I want to experience as far as travel, trying new things, meeting new people, etc have always been affected by the seeds of doubt, worry, and fear that plant themselves. I'm of age to recognize this and look to try to make changes so I can get more out of life. I need to do this not only for me but for my sons. 

They watch and learn from everything their daddy and I do. I want them to see us as an example of living and enjoying all life has to offer. Sure things will go wrong, or take time, or maybe not turn out as expected but it's all about learning and living along the way without dealing with that nagging regret of wondering how things could have been. Fear is such a powerful concept that can run your life. I need to make changes now so that when I tell my sons that they can be or do whatever their hearts want..they know I mean it.