Dear Joseph

Dear Joseph,

The calendar is taunting me with dates. Dates to remind me that you aren't here. Dates to make me remember the horrendous day you were taken from us. Calendars are not my friend right now. I am being reminded how little I have left in this pregnancy...and on rough days it reminds me of how long I still have left in this pregnancy. Most of all it... they remind me of the length of time that has passed without you here.

Three years later... here I am.. There you are... I have learned to live a life without you in it. At the beginning when we first lost you I lived in fear. I feared living a life without you in it. I feared a future not knowing... I feared a life where I was always going to live with this horrible pain of missing you.

But amazingly with time... it has gotten better. I hesitate to say that because I don't mean to sound as if all is better. I don't mean to sound as if missing you... isn't the hardest part of every day... because it is. But losing you changed me. It made me turn to my faith and strengthen my relationship with it. It made me not take things for granted the way I had been before. It made me see things... see people in different lights. I genuinely try to live life to the fullest... live in a way where I am following my heart...where I am surrounding myself with people that are good to me...good for me.. and not putting up with any nonsense ... all things that you did... in a way to make you proud...

Since you have been gone... many things have happened. I had another son and am actually a few months away from having yet another one. Apparently we only make boys. You should see our grocery bill. You always use to compliment me on my parenting.. I hope I am still making you proud. I hope you get a good laugh if you get to see me try to navigate the days when they drive me crazy. Family miss you fiercely. Your friends that became part of your family miss you fiercely. It is amazing to me how even now three years later we still witness how much you affected peoples lives.

The world is a crazy scary place right now. With every news story that comes out I always wonder what you would think, how you would handle things. I always always always wonder who you'd be today. I know that you would have always remained the person you were in the sense of your character and ways... but I wonder how you would have grown as a person...where the world would have taken you... where your infectious smile would end up next. And knowing that the future in that sense was ripped from us is the hardest part.

But simply Joseph... we miss you. N remembers you...talks about you. The others do not remember you. They just go by stories and pictures. We have memories that we cling to desperately. Some days it is not enough... but all days.. we miss you...