Personalized Grief

It has been awhile since I have written on my grief. There are various reasons why. Sometimes I feel like my feelings on my grief are too personal to share...or I feel like no one will understand so I hold back. But over time I have realized that I need to recognize and own what I am feeling in order to grieve properly.

Since losing my brother three years ago so much has happened for my family and I. Good, bad, and indifferent. Every time something happens I think about my brother for various reasons. What would he say..or think..or how would he have been a part of my life for that particular event. I think about him and long to hear his voice every day. I don't think that will ever change...no matter how much time has passed. My hurt and my sadness has evolved into different versions... not necessarily severities.. but different versions. Grief is ever changing.

But over time I have learned some things... One is that my grief is just that... my grief. I cannot worry about what my grief looks like to others. It is not that I care what others think...but when it came to my grief and the way I was handling it, I became focused on what it appeared like to others that were also grieving him. Being around some things, situations, and frankly some people simply hurt me too much and overwhelm me so I chose to stay away. I worried that some didn't understand that. Then on the flip side I would come across certain things or instances that overwhelmed or hurt others in their grief while for whatever reason they brought me comfort. It was like I was looking to define a right or a wrong in everything. As time has gone on... I have realized that is not the case. Everyone's grief is different. I just need to hold onto what comforts me and helps me cope whether or not other people understand it.

Another thing that I am dealing with is fear. I have always been somewhat fearful.. anxious.. about life and things that could happen or go wrong. Well losing my brother took it to a whole other level. Getting one of the most heartbreaking calls of my life letting me know that he was no longer with us is something that has forever changed me. It created an etch so deep in my brain, heart, and soul. I have relied heavily on my faith to help me cope but unfortunately my fear still dominates. If losing my brother hurts this much...what if I were to lose my husband...or my child? Such horrible thoughts I know... why worry over something I have no control over... but that's the point.. I had no control over what happened to Joseph so it just goes to show how little control we really do have... even with my faith...that is a scary and overwhelming feeling. Saying these things out loud may garner negative attention.. like wow this girl needs help.. But that is the point of talking through this personalization of my grief... it helps me.. And it really is a factor on why I have to grieve as I see fit.

I see so much of my brother in my third little dude.. the one who carries his name... sometimes it really takes my breath away... at first it used to make me sad.. but now it really warms my heart...

Overall.. I know that losing him is never going to make sense to me.. it is always going to hurt.. and I am forever changed by losing him... but overall its about him... making him proud.. keeping his memory alive...and living life as he would have.. <3

My third dude has hair exactly like him <3