Tell Me How Not to Forget

Here we are leaving June heading into July. Halfway to Christmas is normally what I think in my head. This year has seemed to fly by but since having children I am learning to get accustomed to time speeding by at an alarming rate. Time is passing and normally it sends me into a panic but I am learning to be okay with it. It is there to remind me... remind me as my oldest loses another tooth, as each boy gains a new mark on the height chart...there to remind me as I fold laundry and see the little clothes slowly getting bigger and bigger. Time can be scary but in many ways it has been so kind to me. 

But an area time has not been kind to me is when it comes to my brother. I keep hoping that as time passes I will somehow feel better. Or that it will make it easier. Some days it seems as though maybe it is getting easier. But other days it feels as suffocating as before. 

Then the area where I panic is in the concept that time is taking him further and further away. I'm going to grow older...my kids are ...my parents are...and over time memories fade... memories are all I have left of him.

So some nights I sit and write out memories I have of him and I. Of him as a child playing baseball. Christmas mornings...birthdays... even arguments... Memories of as we got older and entered into adult hood...one Halloween party where we had a bit too much to drink and couldn't stop laughing. What I would give to hear him laugh again. And again that is where I panicked. What if I forget what the sound of his laugh or the sound of his voice sounds like?

One night recently I was looking through my social media to see if I could find a video of him. Back when he first passed away I downloaded an app called Vine. I knew he had left some videos there. But back then I couldn't listen to them. I couldn't hear his voice because it literally made me sick to my stomach. So every so often since I'd remember the app but could never open it because I kept telling myself I wasn't ready. Well time has passed and as I searched I found that apparently that app no longer exists...so on this particular evening I went into a panic. Somewhere in the back of my brain I knew that somehow I'd get videos of him from someone but at that particular moment my broken heart went into panic and all I could think was that I am never going to hear his voice again....I am going to forget what he sounds like ...please tell me how not to forget.

In both of these pictures he is with L when he was a baby. L, C, and B will never know their uncle.

 

And yes I was able to end up getting the videos. But here is the thing...I still cannot listen to or watch them. Four years in and I still can not do it without literally feeling sick. Four years in... time is passing...some days are easier than others. Some days are just so hard. But all days I miss him terribly. 

The calendar page turning to July brings fourth of July...my birthday...the sweet spot of summer... but it also brings a date that reminds us of his birthday that is celebrated with him there and us here...and it also brings the awful awful date that takes us back to when our hearts were broken. And no matter how many years pass that reminder will never sting any less....

Prayers are always appreciated <3