The balance of grief

Something that I have been struggling with since my brother passed (i will never get uses to typing those words) is the way to grieve.. I can't find a balance of grief if that makes sense. I'm sure it is normal but it is still something I struggle with.

For example- if I find myself happy or having a good time or laughing and enjoying myself- I feel guilty. How can I laugh...be happy if I have lost one of the most important persons in my life? Then on the other end if I am not having a good day and my emotions get the best of me, I then get after myself because spending my day like that is not what my brother would have wanted and I also feel guilty when it comes to my sons because they don't understand what is happening.

I get that all of that is normal...there will be good days..hard days.. and really bad days...but I am trying to make more of a conscience effort. I simply have to choose to be happy. Sure there are going to be times where missing him becomes too much....and I will let myself cry but I can't dwell on it. My faith tells me I will see him again so I will wait until then and enjoy my life here on earth. I will do what God has put me here to do.

I will choose to be happy... instead of being sad that my sons lost their uncle...I will smile because I know he is with them always. Last night on the way home from a friends house, the toddler asked for us to pick some food up for him at Whataburger (i promise we dont eat out that often and hes never asked before lol). First thing that came to mind was Joseph would be so proud (he loved him some whataburger). Or when my heart is all warm and fuzzy listening to the toddler sing along to Holy Grail in the car...again I smile..Joseph proudly talked about the notes he himself could hit in the car. I just know that it is in those moments he is there with us..

I'm not saying that my way of dealing with grief is the right way but this is what I choose. I choose to make the effort everyday to be happy..some days will be easier than others but it will come...and on those hard days I will close my eyes and listen... I'll hear his laughter and just like that it won't be so hard anymore...