This time last year

This year has flown by... everyday I think to myself, wow where has the year gone... I am someone who stresses out over the fact that time is racing by and my babies are growing so darn fast. I wrote THIS post shortly before my brother passed away. I am trying very hard to be thankful for any time I get as their momma rather than be worried about how fast time is going ... now with my brother gone that is ever so important...

but my mind keeps wondering to things to where I always think of "this time last year" . When I think to what my boys are doing today I think of how far they have come from "this time last year." Taking out all of our holiday decor and things I found crafts we completed from last year and think of "this time last year", look at their little handprints, etc. I found a bunch of items that were bought at after Christmas clearance sales and were nice little surprise additions to all of my decor this year...but with the way the year has gone my mind can't help but wonder to "this time last year" ..the person that I was when I bought these items..I was holding a newborn and chasing a toddler with no idea of what was to come.

A big thing of the whole "this time last year" mind frame is losing my brother. Right now I can still think of "this time last year" and my brother is still there..still in all of my memories...I will always have the memories but I struggle with the idea that as more time passes the whole "this time last year" thoughts are at one point going to no longer include him.. more time is going to pass and life is going to be lived without him... that idea is so heartbreaking and hard to accept...

I wish I had the answers to things like this...how to handle it..how to cope but I don't. I just know that I have to hold onto memories but let go of the past...accept that my brother is no longer here but have comfort in the idea that I will see him again... and learn to live in the present and enjoy these days where my sons need me for every little thing... and can still fall asleep in my lap...