6 months

I haven't written in a few weeks. Not because I don't have anything to say but because I am exhausted. January has left me so overwhelmed for both good and not so good reasons that I am sitting here just trying to recover so to speak. It also was a hard month because I sort of went through a reflective sadness. At the end of every year, starting in October, between birthdays for my sons and holiday festivities I end up going into January feeling like I have gone through a time warp. Each one of my kids is another year older and all the buildup of Christmas that speeds by just leaves me reeling. This year though, another factor for me is the fact that the calendar marked 6 months of losing my brother.

I kept trying to tell myself that time shouldn't mean anything. Time isn't measured where he is at and well I should be grateful that I am blessed with time here with my family. And I am.. so very grateful for every minute that I am able to be a mother and a wife. But with each day and week that passes... without him.. it seems to be getting more surreal. Like this isn't real life.. that losing him isn't something that happened to us because well its just crazy... There is no way that we can live without him. But it is real life...and it has happened... and six months have gone by and the pain is still as strong-if anything even stronger than the first day. Six months have gone by and it feels like a foreign concept that we have gone on.. gotten thru..and lived half of a year without him..

I know that to some of you.. it may seem that I just need to move forward. Trust me I am. I move forward everyday.. but unless you have lost a sibling.. you just can't understand. He was born into my family when I was four years old. I don't remember a life without him. He was apart of every day, every celebration, everything good and bad.. he was there to live life with. And now all of a sudden he's not.

I am doing okay. I have learned to cope with it and have really enjoyed attempting to live life to the fullest every day. I am enjoying my boys and the sweet ages they are at. I am enjoying my life.. But some days.. some days the missing him part is really hard.. I'm so grateful for the people in my life that make those days easier.

miss you <3