Timing and Tears

These past few days were a bit rough. After being gone for a week, my morning sickness returned full force. I hate to complain because I really am extremely grateful for being able to be pregnant and carry my child. But.. my morning sickness completely takes me out no matter my best efforts to combat it. Then in addition to that, my oldest is in rare form with tantrum city and that is not the norm for him. So my energy and patience has worn thin.

On top of that, in a moment of absentmindedness, I had a heartbreaking thought. See we are overhauling the boys' rooms in preparation for the new baby. As I was putting things up on the wall, I was looking through my printed pictures of a one of my youngest and my brother. I wasn't happy with any that I had and thought to myself...well I'll just take a more recent one for the room. And well then I had to sit down because well there will be no more recent ones.. there won't be any other ones besides the ones I have...moments frozen in time. That just goes to show how some days it really doesn't feel real....

meeting my oldest

So last night I was exhausted.. emotionally...physically... mentally. Bedtimes couldn't come fast enough. The kids were finally asleep and I laid down. I was in and out of sleep very restless and half watching an episode of Friends on tv. Then it happened...

For the first time this pregnancy... I felt movement! At first I thought maybe I was mistaken. It is still pretty early. But as I lay on my side with a hand rested on my belly, it happened again. Clear as day. And although I knew eventually I would feel movement and the wonderful kicks and jabs that come with pregnancy, I also knew last night there was a reason it happened when it did. It was like little baby was there to remind me... remind me that everything my body is going through is for a reason... for him or her...But it also gave me hope..Although I have a little belly already and the symptoms to pair, its like movement makes things that much more real. Something to look forward to... and where even though I am scared of and saddened by a future without my brother in it, I know somehow I will be able to deal..and that I have hope for my future with my little (or not so little anymore) family...

I felt movement for a few more minutes and then was able to fall asleep. All of a sudden my rough days didn't seem so bad.