Looking in the Rearview

I was driving to the gym with my preschooler in tow. He's the only one that stays in the childcare at the gym without complaint so we get this ten minutes to ourselves while daddy holds down the fort with the other babies. I put on a particular song that he loves. His face lit up with a smile and he began to "rock out" as he calls it. Singing, and dancing, and kicking his feet... He was really into it. I watched him through the rear view. And in that moment my hear strings were tugged.

See I know he's getting older. The calendar says so. The fact that he's in preschool .. The fact that we fill out age 4 on any paperwork concerning him. We go through the motions of making sure he eats right.. Sleeps well.. Is learning appropriately for his age. But through it all I've missed some things along the way. I blame it on the fact that I'm usually tending to his brothers in one way or another or maybe because it is just happening so darn fast. 

He's growing up .. He is this person now that I have in depth conversations with. He is soaking it all in but in a different way. I'm used to the babies and toddlers soaking up new things like sponges but with my oldest it's different. He's at a different level of taking it all in and trying to understand the way of the world. He comes home from school talking a million miles a minute with what they did in class and what so and so told him today and about snack they had. He always asks questions. 

But in that moment I saw him in a different light. His legs are longer. He's losing the baby roundness in his face. He doesn't mess up certain words in that cute childlike way when he speaks. He's growing up which is an awesome blessing... But I feel like I'm missing it and only noticing it in the rear view.. 

He is my first baby and he's the one I'm probably the hardest on. He's the one I've had to learn along the way with. He's the one that I have the highest expectations for who usually exceeds them all by himself.. He's not a baby .. Not a toddler.. He's a boy.. And this mama wasn't ready for all that.