Still Waiting for it to Get Easier

I got the rare chance to scrapbook today... It's something I love doing and it relaxes me. I was searching through an envelope that needed organizing and I found the paper that I wrote my words on that I spoke at my brother's service. Of course the words bring tears to my eyes.. As do pictures.. But I as I read them I remember back to the day I wrote them....

Back to the day where we were lost..and hurting.. And in a daze.. Back to where it was all surreal.. I remember attempting to come up with words and getting frustrated because there were no words that accurately described the hurt. 

I finished reading it.. Sat back..with my eyes hurting.. And sadly realized that the emotions from back then haven't really changed... Sure I don't walk around in a daze but everything else. The raw hurt.. And sadness.. And fear .. All still there. I still can't believe that I am supposed to live my life without him in it.

My husband got me an awesome book about sibling loss recently. The first thing that the book recognized is that there aren't many books or pieces on sibling loss because it isn't considered a "big" type of loss. It pales in comparison to the loss of a child or a spouse. I agree with that notion because I'm the first one to say that I can't even fathom what it's like from my parents point of view and it is not something I ever want to know. But the book let me explore some of my emotions and thoughts on it. It was all very helpful.

While I've come a long way with some of the aspects of losing him .. It all still feels too new.. I wonder if that shock and devastating impact I initially felt is always going to be so intense. But here I am.. Taking what little glimpses I can get of him in my dreams .. Holding onto memories.. Memories that I want to write down in detail for fear of forgetting but can never get them out because it is just too hard.. And pouring over pictures where his smile makes me smile..

Still waiting for it to get easier.. Worried that it never will.. But thankful for my faith that brings me comfort..

Missing you everyday