Two Years

You would think that two years into this grief thing I would have a better sense to put into words what it has been like. But I don't. I can say the same things over and over again about the hurt and longing.. about the physical aching and the profound sadness. But words don't do it justice. It is so hard to convey the emotion of losing someone. I know people lose family members every day. People lose loved ones in horrific ways.. tragic ways. you name it. We are not the first ones to deal with this loss... but to us .. it feels like no one understands. Which of course is wrong but that is how it is sometimes.

To be here at the two year mark of losing him is just incredulous to me. It definitely doesn't seem like it has been two years. I say that because the hurt still feels as powerful as it did in those first few hours. But on the opposite note.. on the days that are extra hard it seems like those days crawl by and last forever. Time warp I tell you.

I was telling my husband recently... Is it weird that even two years in ... some days it doesn't feel real? Like my brother is just out of town or something right? Like this can't really be life where he was taken from us suddenly and too early right? Like I am not really going to live my life without him in it right? Sounds crazy I know but I think sometimes my mind tricks me into that thinking just to cope. But in the world of grief who knows what is crazy, what is normal, and what is real.

In coping with a loss I know that a normal part of grief is anger. Anger towards anything and anyone just to deal. I struggle with that.. I get angry sometimes but its like who can I get angry with? With God? With Joseph for leaving us? With his disease that took him? What good will that do? I know that when people lose a loved one they question God and direct their anger towards Him. But how can I be angry with a God that put my brother in my life to begin with and has blessed me with all I have now? With my beautiful sons and husband? It really is a torment and I don't know who to be angry with.

Regardless of all of that.. this is what is true..  My life will forever be cut into two parts. The before and after of losing him. He wasn't "supposed" to be taken from us. I miss him everyday. I hurt for him everyday. I ache to hear his voice everyday. What I would give for him to roll his eyes at me just one more time. I remember at his services the thought that kept running through my head was, how are we supposed to survive this? How are we supposed to do life without him? But somehow even on the darkest days we get through them. Life keeps going on. I know he is there with us along with way.

This week I ask for prayers. Prayers for me. Prayers for my family, especially for my parents. This week a day on the calendar is there to remind us.. to take us back to one of the worst days of our lives. Thank you.