I Don't Know but I Do

My husband recently had a conversation with a friend of my brother. He shared his last memory with him and they had a good laugh about it because it was a good moment. Then when my husband relayed the conversation to me it brought me such joy. I could hear my brother's voice and laughter with the mention of that memory. I can see his facial expressions and mannerisms in my head. It is like that any time someone talks about him and recalls a specific moment with him. I recall my memories with him all the time. I replay the good and the bad memories in my head and go over every detail.

It has become a fear of mine.. what if I forget the tiny details. The tiny details of him.. the tiny details of our lives when they were intertwined together? Should I write it all down?

Then there are the daily happenings which I wish he knew about. Does he know what happens here? Is that the way it works? Sometimes something funny.. or awesome.. or exciting happens and I wish I could relay it to him somehow. Many times I think.. Wow Joseph would get a kick out of that.

Does this all sound ridiculous? I know all of these questions are pretty typical in the grief process.. the worry that you will forget even though I couldn't imagine that ever happening. Or the worry that others will forget and you suddenly become overwhelmed with wanting to do little things to make sure he somehow stays in everyone's minds.

I try to stay positive most days. My sons keep me busy and we are always on some sort of adventure or activity and at the end of the day my to do list doesn't give me much time to think. Most days, even among the chaos, I feel incredibly blessed with my little family and our surrounding community that we have created in our lives. But then I feel guilty for feeling too happy. My brother is in my mind all the time but somehow I feel guilty for the happy... will he think that  I don't miss him enough or that I am ok without him? Sounds crazy but in the middle of  grieving a lost loved one what is normal and what is crazy?

What I do know is this... losing him has made me much more aware of not taking anything or anyone for granted. It makes it that much more important to enjoy the here and now.. that is the easy part.. All I have to do is look into the eyes of my chubby cheeked boys or my sweet husband and know that I am extremely blessed and have so much to live for...

But what I also know is this.. there are parts of this grieving process that are never going to get easier.. there are still going to be days where it physically hurts to miss him so deeply.. and I will forever feel like something is missing... because without him here.. there is..